Being a SAHM

I have nothing against stay-at-home moms (SAHM) but when I was still pregnant being a SAHM never crossed my mind. I automatically assumed that I would go back to work and be a working mom. Well, circumstances prevented that from happening.

So yeah, I became a SAHM. At first I was okay with the idea. I love my baby and I wanted to be with him 24/7. If I wanted to cuddle him and steal kisses while he’s sleep I could do it. I was ecstatic! I thought where is the post partum depression that they are glossing about? I was happy day in and day out. I was actually loving every second of being a new mommy. Motherhood seemed a piece of cake. Or so I thought.

Three months after I gave birth, I thought I was ready to take care of my baby alone. I had a helper with me during those time. So I packed the baby's bag and mine and went back to Maldives (my hubby works here).

But nothing has ever prepared me for our life in Maldives. I was in complete shock and mess to say the least. Having the baby all to myself was just too much. I was sleep-deprived and I guess it was the reason I was irritable most of the time. The glorious feeling I had during the first three months of being a mom was replaced by a negative feeling. I cried buckets for no reason at all. I had constant bouts of self pity. I was mad at my hubby for little things that never mattered before. And then I cried some more even when my baby was awake. The much dreaded depression has caught up with me.

I was at the lowest point of my life. I didn't have friends to talk to and I was dying for someone to listen to me. I talked to my hubby and he would say he undertood. But it just drove me mad even more. For how can he valiantly say he understood me when I didn't even undertand what was happening to me? I wanted to go back to work but we couldn't find a suitable nanny. I didn't want to leave my baby to anybody I don't trust. I wanted to get away from being a mommy and be baby-free for one day but I couldn't leave him for even a second. I wanted to sleep for 24 hours straight but I wanted to be awake 24 hours just so I won't miss my baby's smiles. I desperately wanted to work again but I felt I was no good anymore. I wanted to buy something new for myself but never did because I didn't want to have to ask money from my hubby. It was crazy and I was getting crazier!

After two month’s struggle of being a mother (and a wife) I got a respite when we had a month’s vacation in Philippines. We had EJ baptised in Manila. We visited his lolo and lola in Surigao (my province) and Pangasinan (my hubby's province)

Now we’re back in Maldives. Fantasy fades and reality sets in again. But I guess the vacation cleared my head and gave me more than enough energy. I still have my moments of self pity(being jobless and all), I still feel depressed once in a while. But my baby is growing fast and his smiles, hugs and laughter erase any negative feeling I have. He is happy and healthy and I cannot ask for anything more.

Forget the paycheck, I am taking delight in learning and discovering new things with my baby. So for now, I'd be a SAHM.

Thanks to my hubby for being supportive and being the best daddy to our EJ.


xoxo
Josiet